If you knew how harmful it was...

Maybe you wouldn't do it

Today, I wore a new shirt. As it turns out, what I didn’t notice at home, I noticed in the full length, wall-to-wall mirrors at the gym. It was very unflattering. My stomach has never looked so big, or so I thought. It clung to me in all the wrong places and made me look like I was pregnant. It made sure each and every fat roll protruded out even more than usual.

I am someone who has done a lot of work in this area. But I am still human and I am not immune to our society’s noise. I get the message. Fat is bad and thin is good. Fat means you’ve done something wrong and thin means you are morally superior. And if you’re trying to deny this, you are flat out lying.

You can see this in countless movies, especially for kids. The hero is thin and the evil villain is big and stocky (think “Little Mermaid” and the evil Urusla, or Matilda with the very nice anorexic-looking teacher versus the evil principal. These are the examples that immediately came to mind, but I guarantee you will start noticing this in most movies if you start paying attention).

My entire workout, I was eyeing myself and my huge fat rolls thinking, “wow, so this is what I look like now?” Barely recognizing myself. Trying to keep calm. It’s better now that I have done the work, yes. I didn’t fall prey to complete depression. I didn’t immediately think how disgusting I am or how much I hate myself. That is a huge improvement. But in order to feel better, I sought out images of “midsize” influencers on Instagram to see how they dress their protruding stomachs and fat rolls.

I did feel better, but then…I cried. I cried because of all the of the time lost thinking about this. I cried because I have done so much work around this and here I am, still having to soothe myself after realizing how big I am. I cried because I have thought I’m fat my entire life, yet now, I’m so much bigger than I was. I cried because I never appreciated the body I had and now that I’m bigger and have done so much work and so passionate about being anti-fatphboic, and yet, I find myself with some seriously fatphobic thoughts.

It’s deep in there. This shit has roots that need to constantly be removed. And it sucks. I wish I didn’t need to fight this stigma all the time.

While working out, I had some wild thoughts. I felt like I had to go extra hard because I want to make sure that people see that even someone as big as me can move and keep up and be in shape. Then I thought I also don’t want them thinking I’m trying extra hard because I need to lose weight! There is one guy in the class who is on the bigger side, like me, and he tries extra (extra) hard. And I do often find myself with these judgmental thoughts. I am well aware of them and how incorrect they are, but they’re there.

I think, “why is he trying so hard? He’s obviously not losing weight like this” but then if he slows down I think, “come on dude, don’t be the stereotype of someone bigger and therefore not able to move as fast!”

Honestly, these thoughts disgust me.

So why am I sharing them? Because I am certain I’m not the only one affected by our culture. I, as I’ve already said, am someone who has worked so hard on my thoughts and anti-fat bias. Yet, I still think these things and it sucks. I am trying to have self-compassion and realize that this is a process, but damn.

I’m aware of them, that’s a good sign, I know to not believe them, another point for me. But they’re there and if that’s the case for me, I’m willing to bet it’s the case for you.

I think about this with my food as well. I don’t want to eat certain things in front of people because I’m afraid they’ll think, “no wonder you’re fat”. But then when I eat vegetables or fruits in front of them, I assume they’re wondering, “I wonder what’s wrong with her, why is she so fat if she eats so well?”.

These are the thoughts that diet culture has given me. This is the culture we swim in. This is what’s seeping into our pores, this toxic sludge.

And yet, people pretend it’s not there or worse, that it’s good. That it’s somehow healthy or will make you “motivated” to become your best self. Like it won’t inflict infinite harm and penetrate every aspect of your life until you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror. Newsflash: It’s not helpful.

The other day, I heard two skinny women talking about how they have this little area that just won’t budge, or this little extra amount of fat that just won’t go way. I tried, and thankfully succeeded, in not butting in. But man, was it hard. It made me so sad. If these two very thin women can’t be happy with themselves in our culture, what chance do the rest of us stand?

This isn’t my usual witty or sarcastic post. This is kind of a sad post, sorry about that. But I am really feeling it today. I have felt at least some version of this the majority of my life. So why am I so passionate about this work and anti-dieting, because of this. No one should feel this way about something they can’t control. You’re body is your body. That’s it. It says nothing about your moral character and it’s not under your power as much as you want to think it is. I want everyone to know that.

I’m not the only one hurting. I hope that I can help someone know, you’re not alone.

If you feel this, please share in the comments below, I would love to start a discussion.

Thank you and until next time, hopefully on a lighter note,

Asya